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If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
There\'s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
The truth is more important than the facts.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
We didn\'t lose the game; we just ran out of time.
Many a man\'s reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse\'s family too.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
The truth is more important than the facts.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Research is what I\'m doing when I don\'t know what I\'m doing.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
If you haven\'t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
\'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible\', she said, \'but that alone doesn\'t make it true.\'
A man can\'t get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
I wouldn\'t mind dying - it\'s the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
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It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one\'s doubts.
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Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
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Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT\'S relativity.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent\'s eye, that charms to destroy...
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they\'re yours.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
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The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
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A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: \'Can I help, sir?\' \'No thanks,\' says the blind bloke. \'Just looking.\'
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one\'s work is terribly important.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
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Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
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I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
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The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
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Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law\'s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
We\'ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
If you haven\'t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
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Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
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Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
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An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
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Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
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Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
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After I\'m dead I\'d rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn\'t speak up because I wasn\'t a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn\'t speak up because I wasn\'t a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn\'t speak up because I wasn\'t a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn\'t speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.
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Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
If all the world\'s managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
My last cow just died, so I won\'t need your bull anymore.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
When you\'ve seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
We didn\'t lose the game; we just ran out of time.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don\'t think.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn\'t understand me.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
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In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
I Can\'t Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don\'t Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
I\'m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can\'t understand is, if they don\'t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
Fill what\'s empty, empty what\'s full, and scratch where it itches.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
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Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
You\'re about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I\'m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can\'t understand is, if they don\'t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
The covers of this book are too far apart.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
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A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
War doesn\'t make boys men, it makes men dead.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
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Physics is not a religion. If it were, we\'d have a much easier time raising money.
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
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Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren\'t, then I\'d be a teacher.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
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Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It\'s the transition that\'s troublesome.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don\'t know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that\'s my position.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
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The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don\'t have it.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
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The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
The only difference between me and a madman is that I\'m not mad.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you\'ll be happy; if not, you\'ll become a philosopher.
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The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
Fill what\'s empty, empty what\'s full, and scratch where it itches.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Barab?si\'s Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do ? whether it is correct or not.
Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law\'s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
We\'ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
\'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible\', she said, \'but that alone doesn\'t make it true.\'
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
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If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you\'ll be happy; if not, you\'ll become a philosopher.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
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Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said \'no\'.
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don\'t know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that\'s my position.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
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To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
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The covers of this book are too far apart.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
I\'m not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It\'s just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
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I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
Yes, I\'m fat, but you\'re ugly and I can go on a diet.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
It\'s the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
A man\'s only as old as the woman he feels.
Mit der Dummheit k?mpfen G?tter selbst vergebens
O\'Toole\'s Corollary of Finagle\'s Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
I have not failed. I\'ve just found 10,000 ways that won\'t work.
I\'m not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don\'t think.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn\'t.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
Heav\'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn\'d, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn\'d.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
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The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
You got to be careful if you don\'t know where you\'re going, because you might not get there.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they\'re yours.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
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The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There\'s also a negative side
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
My last cow just died, so I won\'t need your bull anymore.
It\'s the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
The truth is more important than the facts.
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Why don\'t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
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Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
最終更新日 : 2012/01/26/(Thu) 10:27
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